Midnight Musings

Moms, daughters, and friendships

It was one of those morning this week -- my two kids heading off to two completely different camps, swimming bags missing, lunches unmade...you know the drill. And on top of that, I had a really hectic , stressful day at work -- a panel presentation, video taping, and Churchill Club event.

As I was driving my daughter to her camp, I suddenly realized that I had gotten dressed, put on make-up, packed my briefcase, remembered my business cards -- and forgotten to put on my contact lenses, which I usually wear for public appearances.

Gripping the steering wheel, I sighed loudly, resigned to my fate -- it was far too late to turn back home to retrieve my lenses.

"What's wrong, Mom?", piped up a little voice.

I replied, "I forgot to put on my contact lenses -- and it's too late to go home to get them. I'm stuck with my glasses for the entire day. And I have a ton of business meetings today."

"Don't worry, Mom. I think you look fine with your glasses. In fact, I prefer you with glasses. They make your eyes better and you look, well, more awake."

Well, I thought, I'll take anything that makes me look more awake, and I felt better. 

But her comment made me pause. When did my rising 3rd grader learn to feel empathy and to comfort others, let alone me? It's usually me that does the comforting. I couldn't help but feel that we had crossed a threshold in our relationship, where I'm no longer just a mom and she, my daughter, but that we were truly becoming friends. Friends, in that we not only had fun and shared things together, but also depended on each other in an equal relationship.

I responded back to her, "Thanks honey, that makes me feel a lot better." And as I walked her to the camp drop-off, I gripped her hand a little tighter, partly treasuring the passing of her sweet childhood, partly anticipating the friendship that is yet to come.

My first seder at home

This weekend, I hosted my first seder. This wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that I'm not Jewish -- and no one in my family is! But I love seders and have been to about a dozen of them over the years -- thanks to opportunities at school, invitations to friends' houses, and once, during a work offsite that occurred over Passover. I love the traditions, the symbolism, the discussions, and of course, the food! And I wanted to share all of this with my family, and especially my children.

So I found a good book on how to run a seder, tapped the deep knowledge of close Jewish friends, and borrowed the haggadahs of a friend who was going to be out of town. The best advice I received -- keep the seder SHORT!

Friday evening saw me dashing around my local Safeway, picking up the staples. But alas, no matzah was to be found anywhere! The helpful store manager dissuaded me from trying other stores -- everything was sold out up and down the Peninsula. His suggestion was to substitute the matzah with gourmet flatbread. Saturday afternoon was spent assembling some great dishes -- a hit with the kids was the Passover "Mac & Cheese". Matzah ball soup was easy and delicious with the help of pre-made, jarred matzah balls and boxed organic broth. But alas, my kugel was absolutely inedible.

As my family (which included brother, sister-in-law and their two kids, in addition to the four of us) sat down for the Passover feast, I was thrilled. I started the seder by blessing the wine and the traditional washing of the hands. We skipped a lot, lingered over Passover story itself, and sped through the Ten Plagues. The formal part of the seder was over in 20 minutes -- a short and sweet introduction that included some thoughtful contributions from the kids on the meaning of Passover.

I didn't stress too much about the seder -- after all, with the exception of my husband, nobody in attendance had been to a seder before! I didn't attempt to do the songs, not even my favorite "Dayenu" although I practiced with the help of online music. I just couldn't bring myself to play the music and have everyone follow along -- it just didn't fit the warm, familial atmosphere I was trying to create.

But despite the shortcomings of my home-grown seder, I consider it a success and we all agreed that it was something we would do again. The best part was that we came away with a greater appreciation for our freedom and for each other and the communities that we live in.

But next time, I'm going to make sure that we invite someone who knows how to sing "Dayneu"!

Originally posted on Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Taking a child on a business trip - a survival guide

I recently took my son (age 9) on a business trip for the first time and plan to do more with both of my kids (daughter is almost 8). The reasons: I'm embarking on a book tour and will be on the road quite a bit over the next few months and this is a way for me to see more of my kids. But more importantly, I wanted my kids to see me "at work" and a lot of what I do is public speaking. When I travel, I usually am with a client all day, and it wouldn't work to bring a child along. But if I'm giving a 45 minute speech, I figure it's a good learning and bonding opportunity.

So my recent trip San Diego was a trial run with my son. I was set to give a speech on a Monday morning, so we left SFO early on Sunday to squeeze in a day at Legoland. That was "the bribe", along with missing a day of school. In the morning, we checked into the conference at registration (they made up a badge for my son, which was a nice way to include him) and got set up. He saw the backstage and then I found him a seat in the second row, sitting next to a friend he already had met before.

And this is our key survival tip - Nintendo DS. The night before, we made a trip to Best Buy and got him a new game. It kept him happy and busy for most of the boring waiting around, although I did make him promise to watch me for at least the first part of my speech. Frankly, he fit in with most of the other techie guys (and they were mostly guys) in the audience huddled over their laptops taking notes (or checking their emails).

After the speech, there were some hallway questions, which my son waited patiently to end, and then TV and radio interviews where he got to hold microphones and work cameras. We stayed for lunch and then headed back to San Francisco. As the plane touched down on the tarmac, I asked him what he thought, and he said, "When's the next trip?" Ah, the sweet taste of success.

My survival tips:

- Keep it short and sweet. I planned to be at the conference for only a few hours, and had some leeway in terms of being able to leave early if my son became bored and irate. It turned out he was a trooper and was game to try anything and everything.

- Plan a fun excursion. All work and no play makes for very cranky kids. I made it very clear that this was a working vacation, and that my son had certain responsibilities. An upcoming trip to Chicago will have a trip to the Field Museum and "the best pizza in Chicago", which we're still trying to figure out (chicago moms, any suggestions?). A trip to Seattle will include a full day spent sightseeing. You get the picture.

- Have self-service distractions on-hand. Being a geek, I had an arsenal of gadgets available for my son. In my bag was his Nintendo DS, several games, and an iPod. I also gave him my phone, which has several games on it as well as a lame browser and at one point, also my laptop since I wasn't using it.

- Stock up on food, water, and gum. The last thing you want to do is to hunt around for food and drinks. My survival stash is granola bars and Crystal Light powder packets, and I also let him pick out any kind of sugarless gum at the airport.

- Plan, plan, plan. I made it very clear with my son what the schedule was going to be and his options at each point in the day. I also had backups, such as my friend taking my son out of the room if he became distracted, or a swimsuit easily accessible in the luggage if he wanted to go for a quick dip in the pool.

One observation: It's still pretty unusual for people to bring kids on trips with them, and it can lead to some awkward situations. Most of the conference attendees cut a wide swath, especially during meals (I couldn't get anyone at a crowded lunch table to talk to me, and I had given the keynote!).

I also worried about the sterotype of a working mom lugging along a kid. Seems like there's a bit of a double standard -- a man bringing along a child would be praised for being family-oriented, a woman is dealing with the realities of being a working mom. I'd be interested in what you, dear svmoms.com readers, think about taking kids on business kids. Is it business-is-business and it's unprofessional to show up with kid(s) in tow? Or should we be bringing the kids along in specific circumstances, as long as they can behave themselves?

Originally posted on Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Milk and peanut butter

In the mornings, I usually stand at our kitchen counter pulling breakfast stuff together and serving it to my kids. Out come the milk, bread, eggs, peanut butter, apples,plates, glasses -- your normal morning paraphernalia.

Like in many of your households, I'm trying to do four things at once and was feeling pretty good about having things under control for a change. I made toast, spread peanut butter on them, turned to get the milk and grabbed a glass.

I then promptly poured the milk into the the open peanut butter jar.

There I stood, looking at a jar of milk-soaked peanut butter. The kids were busting up and I had to admit that it was a bit odd!

I then proceeded to dump out the milk in the sink, and literally, rinsed out the peanut butter jar with some more water. I figured the peanut butter might be a soggy, but still edible. I have to report that my peanut butter toast this morning tasted as normal as ever.

Lesson learned: slow down and watch out for open peanut butter jars!

Also crossposted on svmoms.com.

Happy Birthday LEGO!

Today is the 50th anniversary of the creation of the ubiquitous LEGO brick. Here's a link to a timeline and interesting facts about the Lego break. The most interesting fact: that three eight-stud bricks can be combined in 1,060 ways. That is the crux of what makes LEGO so wonderful -- they don't require instructions, just imagination.

Legos are a staple in our household -- our son (age 9) just repurposed them this weekend to remod a remote control car of his. We're on the second generation of Mindstorm robotics, and I have to admit, my geeky side has played with the set long after the kids are tucked into bed. We even invested in a stack of pink bricks for our daughters years ago so that she could build houses and cars with them. I find pieces them in purses, stuffed between car seats, and wedged into the fibers of my carpets.

And many weekends, when I ask the kids what they want to do, they say, "Go to Legoland", despite the fact that it's an 8+ hour drive away down in San Diego.

As a testament to the longevity of LEGO, my mother-in-law kept stored my husband's LEGO pieces in the attic, and gave them to my son. As I pick the pieces from around my life, I carefully put them all back into the storage box. After all, I want to make sure that my grandkids have LEGO at the ready to inspire their imagination too.

cross posted on svmoms.com

The gift of giving -- learning from the young

This past fall, my 8 year old son was writing up thank you notes for the presents he received for his birthday. At one point, he put down his pencil and said, "Mom, I really like all of these presents and it was really nice for everyone to get them for me. But I don't need them. I wish they had gotten something for the animals at the shelter instead." Honestly, this came out sincerely and I was so proud of him for thinking at this level.

We discussed it and he decided that for the holidays this year, that he only wanted one gift from us  and is asking his extended family to give him donations for the animal shelter in lieu of a gift. And while he's happy to take cash for the shelter, he's specifically asking for old shoe boxes, tennis balls, and homemade dog biscuits that the animals can use.

It should be an interesting Christmas Day, as the entire family is coming over to our house. We usually stack all of the cousins' presents into piles and then let them have at it. He'll have his one gift (it's an MP3-playing remote control car) and inevitably will get a few smaller gifts as well. (I've resisted buying him "extra gifts" and instead will be presenting him with stack of dog biscuit recipes that we can make together on Christmas day.) And he'll have a big pile of shoe boxes, tennis balls, and dog biscuits while the other kids are unwrapping toy after toy after toy. Will he be envious of the other kids' toys? Or will he learn at this tender young age that giving gifts can be just as fun -- or even more fun -- than receiving gifts for one's self?

So here's my recommendation on gifts for this holiday season -- give the gift of learning to give gifts, especially to charities that your kids believe in. My six year old daughter has focused on homelessness as a problem that she wants to address -- although she has as yet to do anything concrete about this concern. But this year, I'm going to encourage her to think of something that she can contribute, from art that can hang on a shelter wall to baking cookies for a holiday dinner. So I'm learning from my son, teaching my daughter, and in the end, hoping that we all come out of the holidays with a better appreciation of this gift giving ritual.

Cross-posted on svmoms.com

Kids, Voting, And Citizenship

I remember the day my parents were sworn in as citizens of the United States – it was a proud moment for all of us and I vividly recall going with them the first time they were able to cast their vote.

It’s a precious, this right of ours, to have a say in who will govern and how we will be governed. Yet, it’s shocking that only 61% of eligible voters turned out for the presidential election in 2004. And in 2002, the last mid-term election, only 39.5% of eligible voters turned out to vote.

Why is this? The California Voter Foundation conducted a study in the summer of 2005 to understand why people didn’t vote and found that “Among infrequent voters, the two most important reasons for not voting were “I’m too busy to vote” (28 percent) and “There are no candidates that I believe in” (20 percent).” The CVF has several recommended strategies on how to increase voter turnout, ranging from greater awareness of absentee ballots to encouraging friends and family to vote.

I have one other to add: Take your kids to the polls. I’ve been taking my kids to the polls, having them help me make sure that I transfer the right votes from my sample ballot cheat sheet (available from smartvoter.org) to the official ballot. They even help my put the ballot into the machine that “eats” it. I also discuss issues I think they can understand, such as Measure A in San Mateo County which enacts a sales tax to support parks and recreation services.

But there’s one thing I won’t let them help me with – and that’s filling out the ballot (they think it’s actually fun drawing thick black lines on the ballot!). That’s a privilege and right which I want them to look forward to, the day when they become voting members of their community. Until then, they’ll have to settle for the gratification of “I voted” stickers and I’ll know that I have done my part – for the time being – of raising the next generation of citizens.

I remember the day my parents were sworn in as citizens of the United States – it was a proud moment for all of us and I vividly recall going with them the first time they were able to cast their vote.

It’s a precious, this right of ours, to have a say in who will govern and how we will be governed. Yet, it’s shocking that only 61% of eligible voters turned out for the presidential election in 2004. And in 2002, the last mid-term election, only 39.5% of eligible voters turned out to vote.

Why is this? The California Voter Foundation conducted a study in the summer of 2005 to understand why people didn’t vote and found that “Among infrequent voters, the two most important reasons for not voting were “I’m too busy to vote” (28 percent) and “There are no candidates that I believe in” (20 percent).” The CVF has several recommended strategies on how to increase voter turnout, ranging from greater awareness of absentee ballots to encouraging friends and family to vote.

I have one other to add: Take your kids to the polls. I’ve been taking my kids to the polls, having them help me make sure that I transfer the right votes from my sample ballot cheat sheet (available from smartvoter.org) to the official ballot. They even help my put the ballot into the machine that “eats” it. I also discuss issues I think they can understand, such as Measure A in San Mateo County which enacts a sales tax to support parks and recreation services.

But there’s one thing I won’t let them help me with – and that’s filling out the ballot (they think it’s actually fun drawing thick black lines on the ballot!). That’s a privilege and right which I want them to look forward to, the day when they become voting members of their community. Until then, they’ll have to settle for the gratification of “I voted” stickers and I’ll know that I have done my part – for the time being – of raising the next generation of citizens.

Rethinking Music Lessons

I am frequently asked how to select a music teacher for a child, primarily because my husband and I are classically trained musicians and have enrolled our kids in lessons for years. Daughter K. took to piano at a VERY early age -- she started private lessons at 3.5 years and has been going strong since. Son B. started on piano also early, at age 5, but struggled -- surprise surprise, it turns out that boys don't develop finger dexterity until much later than girls.

So we decided to try violin with B. -- probably the hardest instrument you could ever play! Why? Two reasons: 1) it would be hard for sister K to pick up and 2) both mom and dad know how to play it (although neither of us really enjoyed it that much). While B. took to it at first, it became evident that he really didn't like the sound of the violin -- which is understandable, since who would like a high, out-of-tune screech?

We returned the rental violin and having learned from the previous experiences, let him decide what instrument he wanted to play. We were adament that he play **something** musical and after thinking about it, he decided on the electric guitar.

Now, mind you, my classically trained ear and mind rebelled initially at the thought of my son playing the electric guitar. But then I quickly realized that I shouldn't be so close-minded about the type of music he should learn. After all, music is music isn't it? So I put my plan into action with the goal of o getting my son totally excited about his new instrument instead of dreading it.

We trotted off to B Street Music in San Mateo and picked up a starter guitar set. B. has been strumming on the guitar for the past three weeks and got to the point where he was **begging** to have a lesson. He couldn't get the guitar to sound the way it did on the songs he liked and was eager to learn to play chords. Ha, Ha! Part one of my plan was going pretty well!

He went to his first lesson with his dad last week and I was thrilled to learn that he came back not only knowing how to tune his guitar but also now knew three chords, enabling him to play actual songs! He's been diligently practicing the chords every night -- we'll see how long this keeps up.

Part Two of my plan is this -- I want my son to really love music, and to understand what a great gift it can be. But not at the cost of making him suffer through tortuous lessons. I have a guitar-playing colleague at work who had some great words of wisdom -- that there is no one right way to play the guitar, and if we didn't end up liking our current teacher, that we should keep looking until we find one that worked well with my son's style.

Bear with me through one other anecdote about my daughter. Her teacher suggested that she participate in the piano competition at the San Mateo County Fair this summer, especially since K. enjoyed performing so much. She played her pieces well, but it was clear that the other students were much more accomplished and spent a LOT of time practicing every day. Afterwards she commented that she "was the baddest" and I could see that she was disappointed. I took her in my arms, told her how incredibly proud that she got up there and played, and that she did her best, which was all anybody could ask her to do. I also said that she had other things in her life that she enjoyed doing, like swimming, biking, singing, and gymnastics, that meant she didn't practice as much as they other kids. I emphasized that if she wanted to play the piano better, we could practice more. She hasn't taken me up on the proposition and remains to this day a very balanced, happy girl that plays the piano well (if not always perfectly).

This got me to thinking even more about why we push our kids to be musical. Is the goal of lessons to become a world-class musicians? Or was the goal of the practicing and lessons to develop a deep love for music? In discussions with K.'s music teacher, we're beginning to emphasize a balance of perfecting pieces with understanding the meaning behind the music, and also, composing creative songs built on a solid theoretical understanding of music. The process has helped me completely rethink the purpose of music education in our lives.

This has been our scattered journey into the world of music lessons.

And oh, I'm getting my son earphones for his birthday next week -- even though he'll get better, I'm not sure I'll always appreciate his form of musical expression!

Cross-posted on svmoms.com

I am frequently asked how to select a music teacher for a child, primarily because my husband and I are classically trained musicians and have enrolled our kids in lessons for years. Daughter K. took to piano at a VERY early age -- she started private lessons at 3.5 years and has been going strong since. Son B. started on piano also early, at age 5, but struggled -- surprise surprise, it turns out that boys don't develop finger dexterity until much later than girls.

So we decided to try violin with B. -- probably the hardest instrument you could ever play! Why? Two reasons: 1) it would be hard for sister K to pick up and 2) both mom and dad know how to play it (although neither of us really enjoyed it that much). While B. took to it at first, it became evident that he really didn't like the sound of the violin -- which is understandable, since who would like a high, out-of-tune screech?

We returned the rental violin and having learned from the previous experiences, let him decide what instrument he wanted to play. We were adament that he play **something** musical and after thinking about it, he decided on the electric guitar.

Now, mind you, my classically trained ear and mind rebelled initially at the thought of my son playing the electric guitar. But then I quickly realized that I shouldn't be so close-minded about the type of music he should learn. After all, music is music isn't it? So I put my plan into action with the goal of o getting my son totally excited about his new instrument instead of dreading it.

We trotted off to B Street Music in San Mateo and picked up a starter guitar set. B. has been strumming on the guitar for the past three weeks and got to the point where he was **begging** to have a lesson. He couldn't get the guitar to sound the way it did on the songs he liked and was eager to learn to play chords. Ha, Ha! Part one of my plan was going pretty well!

He went to his first lesson with his dad last week and I was thrilled to learn that he came back not only knowing how to tune his guitar but also now knew three chords, enabling him to play actual songs! He's been diligently practicing the chords every night -- we'll see how long this keeps up.

Part Two of my plan is this -- I want my son to really love music, and to understand what a great gift it can be. But not at the cost of making him suffer through tortuous lessons. I have a guitar-playing colleague at work who had some great words of wisdom -- that there is no one right way to play the guitar, and if we didn't end up liking our current teacher, that we should keep looking until we find one that worked well with my son's style.

Bear with me through one other anecdote about my daughter. Her teacher suggested that she participate in the piano competition at the San Mateo County Fair this summer, especially since K. enjoyed performing so much. She played her pieces well, but it was clear that the other students were much more accomplished and spent a LOT of time practicing every day. Afterwards she commented that she "was the baddest" and I could see that she was disappointed. I took her in my arms, told her how incredibly proud that she got up there and played, and that she did her best, which was all anybody could ask her to do. I also said that she had other things in her life that she enjoyed doing, like swimming, biking, singing, and gymnastics, that meant she didn't practice as much as they other kids. I emphasized that if she wanted to play the piano better, we could practice more. She hasn't taken me up on the proposition and remains to this day a very balanced, happy girl that plays the piano well (if not always perfectly).

This got me to thinking even more about why we push our kids to be musical. Is the goal of lessons to become a world-class musicians? Or was the goal of the practicing and lessons to develop a deep love for music? In discussions with K.'s music teacher, we're beginning to emphasize a balance of perfecting pieces with understanding the meaning behind the music, and also, composing creative songs built on a solid theoretical understanding of music. The process has helped me completely rethink the purpose of music education in our lives.

This has been our scattered journey into the world of music lessons.

And oh, I'm getting my son earphones for his birthday next week -- even though he'll get better, I'm not sure I'll always appreciate his form of musical expression!

Cross-posted on svmoms.com

My Google Bag

My first grade daughter has been bringing a swim bag to camp most days this summer -- it was one of those tchotchkes that I got at an industry event. So last weekend she was getting ready to go to a swim birthday party and asked, "Mom, where's my Google bag?"

I stopped dead in my tracks and said, "Honey, it's a Yahoo! bag."

"Oh yeah, that's right. Well, do you know where it is?"

My daughter is your typical Silicon Valley kid who knows how to use the Internet, can type in URLs, and has heard me and my husband talk endlessly about companies like Google and Yahoo!. What struck me dumb was that even though she was carrying around this large purple swim bag emblazoned with Yahoo!'s name on it all summer, she thought it was her Google bag. It's incredible to me that the Google brand carries such weight that it became top of mind for my six year old.

Just to double check, I asked her later if she knew what the difference was between Google and Yahoo. "Yahoo! is the place where you go to play games (she uses Yahooligans)," while "Google is what shows up on your screen when something doesn't work." (Google is the default search engine on the kids' computer so it appears to the side of the Web browser when a page can't be found). My son (a second grader) chimed in that Google was good for finding stuff you needed to know about, while Yahoo! was the place you go to find pictures, play games, and check your email.

So while Yahoo! doesn't appear to be top of mind for my daughter, she definitely has a more positive opinion of Yahoo! than of Google. There's hope yet for Yahoo! to win the mind as well as the heart of my daughter.

Surviving amusement parks with kids

I love roller coasters and for the past four years, my family has gotten season passes for the local amusement park, Great America, and we end up going at least four times a year. And yes, I actually enjoy it with the kids! My husband took the kids (ages 6 and 7) while I was at BlogHer and we just went again this Sunday with other family members.

I thought I'd pass along some tips and tricks we've developed to not only survive but actually enjoy and look forward to a trip to amusement parks with kids, and specifically, Great America. I'd welcome any other tips as well!

- Go early, leave early. Plan to arrive at the gates as close to opening time as possible.  You'll have the run of the park until around lunch time when the not-as-organized families and teenagers arrive. The park typically gets really crowded after 3pm, which is exactly when we head for the exits. Don't think you're getting your money's worth? Be sure to use the online ticketing options which can cut almost half off the price of an adult ticket, and think also about how much happier you'll all be if you get out while everyone is still in a good mood.

- Give the kids a budget for spending. One of the worst things about amusement parks is the whining. Opportunities to spend money are everywhere you turn -- from games to cotton candy to tempting merchandise. Our solution: give the kids a set budget and allow them to spend it anyway that they want. We typically give them $5, which allows them to play a game, blow it at the candy store, or buy a coveted necklace or car. Our only rule -- they can't buy/eat candy before lunch.

By doing this, we've pretty much eliminated all whining that surrounds spending money. It's also a nice way to teach them the value of money and have them do math as well. But when the money is gone, it's gone. It's hard the first the child realizes they are out of money and can't do anything, but the next time we go, they really budget their money.

- Eat an early lunch. Beat the crowds, avoid grumpy hungry kids, and hit the rides again as everyone else is heading to the cafes. At Great America, the NickToons Cafe is great if you don't mind your kids becoming video zombies. The cafeteria-style lines can be very long, so this is our trick - seat the kids at a table (they will zombie-out), then grab a fruit salad, a few slices of pizza, and make a stop at the drink fountain. I don't wait in the line as it's the people waiting for hot meals like burgers and chicken nuggest. We also invest in two refillable drink bottles that keeps us hydrated all day -- I usually fill one with Sprite and dilute it with lots of ice and also some water for the kids. The other I fill with Diet Coke to keep give us the energy to keep up with the kids wired on Sprite. One extra benefit of the bottles -- you can use them year after year after year.

- Plan down time. One of our favorite attractions is Scooby Doo's Haunted River, where kids can float boats down a mountain river. There's only one entrance and exit, and you can sit on a nearby patio or benches and watch all of the proceedings. Our kids know when they need to take a break and will ask specifically to go there to unwind! We also see shows, go on the SkyTower for great views, and take the cable car to slow everything down.